Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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