Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
