i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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