so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.