I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
