if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?