Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.