i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.