If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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