When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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