3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
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I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
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At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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