Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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