It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
