Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
