Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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