awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
