I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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