Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
