I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
