That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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