It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
