I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
