You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
