at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
