Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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