eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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