She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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