I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
