broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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