bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
