you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
