two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
