I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
