I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
