Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
