are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
