This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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