this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
