He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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