I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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