I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
