Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
