I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
