I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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