nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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