thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
