WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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