I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
