between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
