He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
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There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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