YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
