and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
