chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
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I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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