Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
