meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
