Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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