right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
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Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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