I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
