I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
