i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
