before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
