I think my fart just growled at me.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
