Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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