there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
