I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
